I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
