It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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