I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
