This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Oh god it's open bar.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
