just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
