So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
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