Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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