I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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