I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
