Everything about him screamed your future.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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