She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
