happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
