They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
