Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
