I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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