Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
