Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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