Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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