im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
