She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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