i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
