There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
