I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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