an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
