Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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