I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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