I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
