she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
