I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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