I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
