He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
