meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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