i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize