Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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