Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
