Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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