Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
