i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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