in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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