There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
