How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
