Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
