glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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