I'm so fucking centered right now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
