toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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