Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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