Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
