You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
