More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
