Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize