we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize