I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
