I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
