Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
