u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How's work?
Spinning.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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