i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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