Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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