I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
